Shit Sneakerheads with Significant Others Do

If you have a girlfriend or wife, you've almost undoubtedly done a few pretty shady things to keep them in the dark about some of your sneaker pickups. And most of the time it's because of money. You don't want them to know that you've spent even more money on sneakers because you've either: been in a fight about your sneaker-spending habit, told her you can't buy her something because you're "broke," or refuse to take her to Texas Roadhouse on date night while instead offering up frozen pizza with a side of Netflix and chill. So rather than getting into another fight about sneakers, you've probably used some other way to euro-step her. Here's some of the tactics we've used in the past. Let us know if you're going to use any or have done any not on the list--we're always looking to be more efficient at this. ツ

The Homie Hookup

You've paid resale for a pair of kicks, and your girl is going to be home when they get delivered. She knows that you probably weren't able to buy Yeezy Boosts after release date for retail. I mean, you've probably already explained to her the value in the kicks. So what do you do? You use the "Homie Hookup." Just be smooth about it, and say, "Oh yeah babe, you know (insert friend's name here) owed me an oop for those (insert high-value shoe here), so he got me back with these. You know how it is. Us sneaker guys just looking out for one another." You can only use this excuse so often though because, well, she knows you aren't generous enough with your kicks to be ooping grails every month.


The Ship-Shake

This one is pretty straight-forward. You use your work or a buddy's address to ship your shoes to another place. Then, you go pick them up at a time that is convenient for you; AKA when she isn't around. There's a slight risk with this strategy though, as certain sites like Kith only allow you to checkout using the same billing and shipping address, otherwise you run the risk of getting your order cancelled. Do your homework, but most of the time the Ship-Shake pays off.

The Stack Sham

So, you grabbed a fresh new pair at the mall but she's heading home right now! What should you do? First, calm your ass down. Second, you have a stack of your sneaker boxes somewhere, right? Just add the box to the stack. No, not on top you idiot. Somewhere in the middle. Although she probably knows all the shoes you have, she doesn't know all the boxes. Just don't bust them out any time soon, and she'll never know.


The "Oh, How Could You Forget About These?"

Once you've done the Stack-Sham you've still got to wear the shoes at some point, so that's where the "Oh, how could you forget about these" tactic comes in. You've got to be smooth to pull this off. No doubt or nervousness can show. Just put the pair on casually while she's getting ready in the other room, and tell her you're ready to go. You're always ready first anyway, right? Hopefully she doesn't even pay attention to what you're rocking, but if she happens to, you just go with it. "Oh, yeah I've had these baby. You don't remember these? I got them in (insert a few months prior here)." Unless she's a true stickler about all your shoes, this method should work as long as you mix it in with a Ship-Shake or Homie-Hookup ever-so-often.

*Advanced Users*

Use a receipt from an older pair of the same style shoe if questioned. This is only a last resort and should only be used by the most sly of sneakerheads.


The Rigged Resale

So, you're one of those sneaker guys who buys kicks to fund another pair every once in a while. Why wouldn't you be buying these to sell? Whenever you order them be up-front about the purchase. Just say, "Oh by the way baby, I bought a pair of kicks to resell today. They should be here in a few days." She'll be expecting them to arrive and shouldn't be too mad about them. Next, you pull the oop-dee-doop and toss those mugs straight to feet. Bam! Unresellable now, right? If she says something, just counter with something along the lines of, "market crashed on them after they restocked a few times, so I can't sell or return them anymore." Be very careful though, as you don't want to use this too often. She'll want you to stop "buying to resale" at some point if you do.


The Cough-Cough Cook

You've got a sick day right? Use it to stay home and wait for that UPS man. Not only will you get the shoes, she'll feel bad that you aren't feeling 100% too. The cost of this one is big, but the payoff could be worth wasting a sick day.


The Re-Route Rook

Similar to the Ship-Shake, the Re-Route Rook is a way to get your kicks sent elsewhere instead of chancing your girl getting them at your place before you do. Carriers like UPS and FedEx allow you to change not only the delivery date of your package but also where you pick them up. Typically it is easiest if you choose a FedEx and UPS retail store where they'll get the package on the same day it was supposed to come to you, and they'll hold it for you there. This way you can go pick them up whenever you're alone.


The Sweetheart Subsidy

This is the most expensive tactic, but if you've come the no other option this will have to do. It's simple, but pricey. You buy two pair of kicks, and give her one. I know, I know; twice the money which means less reserve toward another pair. I hope this isn't doubling you over in pain, but sometimes you've got to make sacrifices. At least this way you show her you care. Another advantage is that you can also use this as an excuse whenever she asks for something else later. Remind her of the pair you just got her, and if she says, "well I didn't even want those," then you have a point to either gain leverage by stating you bought them out of love or you can return them and save the money.

The Sold Some Strategy

You're always trading pairs around and finessing your way into new pairs anyway right? Well, didn't you "just" sell some pairs. Seems like that money would be well spent toward a new pair you want. Or at least that sounds like a good story.


The Clark Gable

The riskiest of them all. Simply don't give a damn and do what you want.